How to Be Loving to Your In-Laws
Here's the good news about in-laws: They can be an incredibly important stabilizing factor in your marriage. In fact in some European cultures, a low divorce rate is due, in large measure, to the presence of a supportive extended family that surrounds marriages with love and encouragement. Relationships with in-laws are healthiest when they avoid the extremes of enmeshment (overattachment) and isolation (overdetachment).
1. Take a hike (or choose to be considerate)
The word "consider" means to see life from another perspective. It is a word of humility that involves both thought and action. It denotes a willingness to listen, absorb and adapt to where others are. "Considering" requires great flexibility.
- First consideration: Just as most of you have never been a husband or wife before, many of your parents have never been Parent-in-Laws (PIL).
- Second consideration: For your PIL, your marriage ceremony was both a wedding AND a funeral. Parents immediately go from 1st string to second string. Parents have been moved down a notch in the importance arena.
- Third consideration: Are you sure that you understand "how" the family functions.
Are you familiar with their traditions? What are their eating habits? TV trays, sit down meals. etc. What is expected after the meal? Do they sit and talk or does everyone scatter? What are their sleeping habits?
- Fourth consideration: Be willing to "ADAPT" when you are in the PIL home.
KEY: When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 1 Corinthians 9:22
- Fifth consideration: Commit to be TOTALLY PRESENT and PLEASANT.
- Sixth consideration: Evaluate everyone's needs.
Parents are not your enemy; they just do what comes naturally. If misunderstandings arise between you and your parents or PIL don't strike out at them for loving you, even if their method is wrong. Since both of you have an innate need to be at peace with your parents, don't be disrespectful to your in-laws. Look for a creative solution. Be to them what they cannot be to you. Belittling your mate because their relationship is either different or stronger does not help the matter.It is important to remember that not all parents "let go" and grieve through the loss of their child the same way. Above all things be gentle with your partners parents and don't be harsh with your own.
- Seventh consideration: What do you feel comfortable in calling your new PIL?
Ask your MIL and FIL what they would prefer that you call them. Let them know you will be glad to call them Mom and Dad or Mr. & Mrs. if they prefer. You may be more comfortable calling them by their first names, especially if you have known them for a long time. Asking gives them the freedom to say, "It's up to you."
2. Make a plan: Work the plan
- For the HOLIDAYS, work out an open plan to spend as much time as possible with both sets of parents. An "open" plan is where all parents know the plan. Distance, crisis and birth often tilt the balance to one set of parents. Give up the illusion of equality and issue each other a good deal of grace when this sort of inequality happens.
- Before visiting your parents, especially early in marriage, agree on the length of time that you plan to stay. Then, agree on the time that you will leave. Being specific helps your mate from looking as if they are anxious to leave. Let parents know when you would need to leave.
- Occasionally, one idea is to allow your wife/husband to go home to their parents a few days earlier than you in order to give their parents the attention they need before you arrive. Sometimes parents need time alone with their children after they are married.
- Most importantly, when visiting as a couple, let your mate have the freedom to love his own parents. Be cool and deal with your own insecurities about needing to be at the center of your mate's attention.
3. Stand up and shut-up
Never be critical about your mate to your parents or allow them to make critical statements about your mate. Sharing something critical about your mate is damaging, not only to your mate, but also to your parents. Why?
- Because parents never forget the problems shared, and rarely allow your mate to change (in their minds).
- Your parents naturally become overly protective of their own children.
- Parents don't have the opportunity to see your mate change and improve as you do. They only have your comments to go on.
- ALWAYS side with your spouse FIRST. Always choose your marriage over loyalty to your parents.
- A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. Proverbs 11:12
MAINTAIN PRIVACY: Commit together never to share any intimate needs or decisions with either set of parents without your mate's permission. This leads to isolation on your mate's part.
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13
4. Money Pit
A key area that can bring either gratitude or resentment is receiving financial assistance.
- The husband should work out a definite plan for receiving money offered by parents on either side, and then communicate that plan to both sets of parents.
- It is important that you do not receive money without talking to your mate first. Receiving financial support without their approval is betrayal of confidence.
SPECIAL NOTE: There are more and more situations today where PIL need financial help from their children. Be extremely careful with "mutual consent" if you choose to do this. Loaning money among family members can create unrealistic expectations and disappointment.